If I’m Being Honest…

This summer I’ve had time and space to grow old friendships and develop new ones too. It’s been such a sweet season of my life. One of the commonalities I have found in the relationships I’m most drawn to, are people who are willing to be real. It’s so refreshing, and encouraging to my heart.

But it terrifies me to be vulnerable. I’m learning, however, that freedom is available when we intentionally choose to be authentic: first with ourselves, and then with others. The purpose of this blog entry isn’t to play the victim, but simply a willingness to put myself out there.

I’m a real person with real struggles and real pain. While I’ve come a long way in my journey, the hard days still come for me. I would be lying, if I just pretended that every single day is glorious and great.

Because the truth is, not every day is glorious, and certainly, not every day is great.

While I am learning to love myself for me, there are days that I just don’t like myself. Some days I focus too much on my weaknesses and my failures. The enemy is good at reminding me of my disappointments. I believe he finds great pleasure in reminding me of all of the times I’ve been rejected, criticized, and shamed. I’m certain he loves when I choose to believe that I’m undeserving of anything good and that I’ll never be good enough.

I know that comparing myself to others is straight out of the devil’s handbook, but I still find myself falling into that trap. It’s painful, and the fear creeps in when I’m least expecting it. It can be suffocating at times because the feelings of fear are real.

I’m learning how to process my feelings more and more and to fill my mind with what I know to be true, rather than to stay in a place of how I feel. I’m also learning that I can make choices when it comes to my mindset and there are things I can do to help rewire my brain and my thought process. But if I’m being honest, some days it’s still a huge struggle for me, and I let the lies get the best of me.

I’m learning myself well enough to know that my pain usually stems from 2 things: fear and pride.  Fear of rejection, failure, loneliness and loss, and pride in the form of insecurity. What a mess right? But we all have our junk- and some days, my mess hits me all at once.

Yes, I’m learning. Yes, I’m growing. Yes, I’m screwed up. And no, I don’t have it all together. My blog isn’t to boast that I’m fully recovered from some of the most challenging years of my life- but rather to share the ups and downs of a real life journey. On the days I question if I’ll ever be able to trust again, I am reminded to be kind and compassionate to myself. Healing is a process.

As I write this, the tears are streaming down my face. It’s not always pretty, but it’s the real me.

I recently stumbled across a quote that I wrote down in my journal from a year ago. It resonates with me now more than ever.

“If suffering is the only thing that keeps me most connected to the redeeming power and resurrection power of Jesus; then let it be so. For we are more than conquerors, and nothing compares to the Lord”

Dang. That’s good right? Not the suffering part, but the willingness to suffer knowing that it keeps us connected to the power of Jesus.

Reading it, reminds me to be thankful for the hard days, because the hard days are what lead me back to the foot of the cross. And it’s there, that I am met with mercy, grace, compassion, and unconditional love.

Jesus, forgive me for not trusting you wholeheartedly. Forgive me for doubting your goodness. I’m sorry for putting you in a box and putting limits on how you can provide for me and care for my heart. Tear down my pride. Help me to live by faith, instead of fear. Remind me who I am. Motivate me for your kingdom, and not for selfish gain. If my desires don’t align with what you want for me, please change my heart and help me to desire you above all else.

Tami