Fairytales and Redemption Stories
When I first learned my marriage was over, my world came crashing down. I heard the voices that said I had to see it coming.
I did not.
But God did. And God rescued me. He rescued me from something I didn’t even know I needed rescued from.
I thank him every. single. day.
And now, He’s allowing me to be completely broken, so I can pursue after Him with every ounce of my soul. He’s delivering me not from the pain, but from the self-righteousness in my own heart. Surely this kind of heartache doesn’t happen to a God fearing, family oriented, submissive, rule-following woman, right?
Wrong. Grief doesn’t play favorites. Suffering isn’t selective. It doesn’t discriminate and comes for us no matter what race, religion, gender or age we are.
3 1/2 years ago, my mom was diagnosed with Stage 4 Breast Cancer. A little over 3 years ago, at the age of 7, my youngest son, Colt, was diagnosed with epilepsy. Behind closed doors, he deals with a lot that most people would never suspect. 3 years ago, at the age of 10, my oldest son, Levi, was diagnosed with a rare form of bone cancer: Metastatic Ewing’s Sarcoma and given a 15-30% chance of surviving 3-5 years. He is currently in the “no evidence of the disease” phase, but his life has been drastically impacted forever.
It was during Levi’s treatment in March of 2018, that I first learned I was living in an unfaithful marriage. At the time, our lives were front and center in our community, and certainly no one would ever suspect that my husband was having an extra marital affair. But that was my reality. On top of watching my son suffer unspeakable pain, I was suffering inside on another level and almost no one knew. My entire marriage felt like a lie. On the outside, we kept it all together for the sake of our children, and for the sake of a community who had rallied around our family. I did the best I could.
Almost 1 year ago, in April of 2020, I found myself going through a living hell yet again. Another affair. Different woman. Sin is so ugly. Betrayal is one of the worst experiences a human can go through. I would rather die than to go through the gut-wrenching betrayal I went through in that 2-year span ever again. There is victory in death as a Christ follower. To die would be gain. But this? Public humiliation, shame, rejection and betrayal? It’s the absolute worst.
Yet at my lowest, Jesus swept down, plucked me out of my nest and gave me permission to spread my wings and fly.
It was my dream to be a wife and mom, yet these two areas of my life have been completely hijacked and relentlessly attacked. I’m still waiting for there to be a break in the battle.
One of my natural bents is caring for others, making people happy and finding my acceptance in what people think of me. Deep inside of my soul, there is a longing to be known, loved and understood. I think if we are honest with ourselves, we all long for this.
I’m learning however, that I cannot look to others to fulfill my need for love, acceptance and approval. I’m continuously reminded that this part of my heart was never intended to be filled by man, but by only Jesus alone. He desires an authentic and passionate love relationship with me.
I’m a work in progress.
God loves his kids so much. And in His deep love for us, He REDEEMS the hurt, the pain, the trauma, and uses it to align our hearts closer to His.
I was on Instagram recently and came across a post that stated, “Where our fairytale ends, God’s redemption story begins.” <<<< LOVE THIS!!!
I had my life all planned out. I was living my fairy tale and loving it. And then… it all came crashing down. But without the demolition, the renovation process of my heart may have never begun. If not for the trauma of the last 3 years, I may never of had the chance to experience the fullness of Jesus’ love for me. He came for me and He’s still coming for me.
I have plenty of difficult days. Sometimes it feels like I take one step forward, followed by five steps back. Some days, it feels like I get incredible breakthroughs and then moments later, I’m right back wanting to crawl into a corner, hunkered down in the fetal position.
One of my counselors says it this way, “You are breaking though, and you are also getting slapped. You just have to get back up. God is really good and what you are going through is really hard.”
It’s on those really hard days that I’ve learned to remind myself that I can’t wait to see how He redeems my failed fairytale.
So what does your story look like? Are you in the fairytale chapter? Or are you living a nightmare? Are you in the middle of the woods, wondering how on earth you got there? Have your dreams been shattered? Are you picking up the pieces of the wreckage?
I know all of it. I’ve been there. I’m still there. And if you’re there too, I want you to know that you’re seen, heard and not alone in your pain.
Jesus came for me. And He wants to come for you too.
“I can’t wait to see how He redeems my failed fairytale.”
These hard pressed and unbearable seasons in our lives may feel like our world is falling apart. No matter where you are in your journey, know this: Jesus is with you. He sees you, knows you, and loves you. If you think this is the end, don’t give up, because it might be the very beginning of your own redemption story.
Tami
