Come With Me
Just over two years ago, I posted my first blog entry and invited anyone and everyone who was interested in reading parts of my story, to join me as I set out on my journey towards healing and wholeness. The assumption was made that the title of my blog was my invitation to my readers, but I’d like to share with you a deeper meaning behind these words.
I’ve had many ups and downs over the last few years, yet I’ve tried my best to stay committed to the process and to continue to choose to go after the healing. I want to be a healthier and more whole version of myself. I desire to be better not just for myself, but also for my boys, my family, my friends, for others I’m in relationship with now and for others God will put in my path in the future.
The process has not been easy. It’s actually been incredibly difficult. Looking at my own faults, insecurities and failures has been one of the most challenging parts of my journey thus far. It’s ugly and it’s painful, but it’s necessary.
Relationships are hard for me.
Commitment is hard for me.
Trust is hard for me.
As I’ve been taking steps forward in new relationships, I’ve recognized some old unhealthy habits and patterns starting to show up. It’s not flattering, but it’s been helpful for me to recognize and develop self-awareness. I’m not content to keep doing what I’ve done in my past: I want to do better.
I’ve done a lot of work on codependency and my tendencies to people please. In the past I have sacrificed my own wishes, wants and desires in order to accommodate others. I’m not always great at communicating my needs because I don’t want to burden others or feel like I’m too much. I’m learning how to establish boundaries and how to be unapologetic yet kind in doing so.
I’m starting to grasp that loving and respecting someone else actually looks like loving and respecting myself first.
I have deep abandonment wounds. And when my wounds are triggered, the emotions can become debilitating. I become so afraid that someone I care about will leave me; make me feel like it’s my fault and that I could have done something to prevent it. A person can spiral very quickly with this type of mindset as I have done in the past.
I’m thankful to now have resources and tools, as well as amazing friends, to help me work through these lies. It’s also been helpful for me to understand that my feelings don’t always mean something is true, but they serve as warning signals that there could be an underlying issue that needs to be dealt with. Learning how to find the origin stories of my hurt, toxic thought processes and unhealthy patterns has served as a huge catalyst in my healing process.
One of the most helpful resources I can suggest for working on self-awareness, taking the next step to develop better mind management and going after personal healing is Dr. Caroline Leaf’s Neurocycle Program. Simply do a google search and you can find all sorts of information. I have her book “Cleaning Up Your Mental Mess” and I have the Neurocycle app on my iPhone. If I can be of any help to you in this process, please reach out.
For years I have viewed relational love as transactional instead of sacrificial and unconditional. Transactional loves says, “If you love me, you’ll offer something to me, do something for me, give something to me.” This honestly is the only kind of love I knew. At one of my lowest points along my journey, when I felt like I had nothing left to give to anyone, I heard Jesus tell me He loved me. It was the first time in my life I felt fully loved for just being me. I had nothing to offer, nothing I could do, absolutely nothing I could impress Him with, yet He met me right where I was- in the middle of my mess, my brokenness and my shame.
Jesus is the perfect example of what love looks like.
His love is sacrificial. He died for us.
His love is unconditional. No matter what we’ve done, He will never stop loving us.
His love is NOT transactional. He doesn’t need me to do anything in order for Him to love me. He simply loves me.
Jesus helps to take away my codependent tendencies as I learn to be more dependent on Him. He takes away my fear of abandonment as I have experienced what it means to be truly seen, accepted and loved.
What about you? I hope that you go after your healing. It’s hard work. It takes intentional effort. It takes a community of support. If you are on the journey- keep going. Don’t give up. If you don’t know where to start, that’s okay. Find a friend. Make time. Prioritize yourself. Be real about where you are and where you want to be. You can do this!
My healing needed to start with accepting myself for who I was and for how Jesus sees me. For me, there could be no healing without Jesus being in it. I don’t know how to do it without Him. If you are on this journey alone, I would ask that you first consider asking Him to join you in the process. He’s already extended the invitation to you; all you need to do is let Him in. And if you do, you too may hear similar words like those spoken to me in the middle of the Colorado Mountains. It was 2 years ago, when I encountered Jesus in the most real and intimate way and heard him say to me, “Come with me.” That was my invitation to partner with Him on my journey. My story is far from perfect. I’ve messed up, turned away, tried running, numbing and dismissing the hurt-but He’s been with me every step of the way.
This is the story behind the name of my blog and why I have these words tattooed on my arm. Jesus fulfills me. He loves me. He is truly all I need. And with Him, I will never walk this journey of life alone.
Tami
