Trust

A few years ago, when I started my journey of healing and personal growth, I stumbled across a personality assessment called the Enneagram. It has been one of the most helpful tools for me as I began the work of unpacking childhood and young adult traumas as well as my relationship failures. I highly recommend it to anyone who is curious about self-discovery and to anyone who wants to be more intentional with personal growth. It has also provided me with helpful knowledge so that I can show up most effectively in relationships as my true self. I quickly was able to identify with many truths with the number that the enneagram assessment revealed that I was. I am a 6; also known as the defender, guardian, skeptic and loyalist. I have a hard time trusting other people, but once a person proves themself loyal to me, I will trust them with my whole heart and will be faithful to them forever. I’ll fight for and protect the people I love with every ounce of my being. It’s that momma bear instinct inside of me.

Anyone who has been in a relationship where trust is broken, naturally has a hard time ever being able to trust again. I have discovered this has been true for me. I have relationship doubts, fears, hesitancies and commitment struggles that all stem from “how can I ever trust anyone ever again.” It’s scary and requires me to be completely vulnerable. But I’m getting there! 

Brene Brown is one of my most favorite authors/speakers and I love her podcast where she talks on the subject of trust. Do yourself a favor and listen to it!! Click on the link below.

Brown says that trust isn’t given but earned over time. It’s why my healthiest friendships are friends who have walked through the fires of hell with me. It’s why my relationship with the Lord is stronger now than 5 years ago because He has been faithful to me through all of the pain and suffering and He has proven himself trustworthy to me. 

Every year I pick a word to be my word of the year. This year I’ve decided my word will be TRUST. It’s multi-layered and personally has many meanings and multiple challenges for me. My verse this year is Proverbs 3:5-6 which says, (paraphrased) “Trust in the Lord with all of my heart. Lean not on my own understanding but in all ways acknowledge Him and He will make my paths straight.” 

There are SO many things I will never ever ever understand on this side of eternity. I will never understand selfish manipulative abusive people who harass and take advantage of others, using them for their own gain. I haven’t publicly shared much about my experience with narcissism, but it is part of my story and it’s one of the most lonely and isolating paths to walk. I’ve asked God all of the questions on what’s fair and what’s not fair. Sometimes I’ve been led astray out of pure anger for what feels like stolen years of my life. But I’ve always been directed back to the hope of Christ and how I can trust him. I’m thankful for the people in my life who genuinely love me and remind me that I can trust in the Lord. Many days, He’s all that I’ve had to get me through. With my hands held out, fully surrendered, to the one who controls it all- I am doing my best to trust God’s plan for my life.

But it is NOT easy. I fight for control often. I want to be happy even though I know happiness on this side of eternity isn’t promised. However, as a follower of Jesus, eternal life is. So, there’s this internal struggle of my flesh to do my own will versus seeking out God’s will for my life. My struggles have taught me valuable lessons. I have learned that God isn’t a strict, harsh, critical God who is waiting for me to mess up and fail. He’s not a God who condemns as I believed in my younger years. Instead, I’ve learned that He is a loving, kind, gentle and gracious God who even when I do mess it up, is there with open arms calling me back to Himself. He’s a God who convicts yet gives me the choice to either lean in or to lean away. He’s easy and light even when I am not. 

My goal this year is to keep learning how to fully trust the Lord. I’m challenging myself to trust what the Holy Spirit lays on my heart and to live with more hope instead of doubt. With God’s help, I want to discern how to trust others who come into my life. This doesn’t mean I allow anyone access to my heart. I will always be cautious with whom I trust, and I would encourage you to do the same. Boundaries are crucial for healthy relationships and figuring out who we can and can’t trust is part of that process.  But this year, I am determined to not allow the fear of being hurt again to rule my heart.

What about you? What area of your life would you like God to highlight where you could trust Him more this year? Maybe it’s a relationship, or with your finances. Maybe it’s with a child who has gone astray, and you don’t know what else you can do. Perhaps you or a loved one has been diagnosed with a terminal illness and the road ahead looks scary and dark. Maybe like me, you feel lonely and have a hard time letting people see the real you. Whatever it is, I want you to know that God sees you and He wants us to trust Him with it all.

I’m hopeful for what this year has in store for me, and I hope you feel the same. But let’s be real and also make sure to give ourselves grace to mess up, kindness- because growth takes time, and love- because we have a heavenly Father who radically loves us more than we could ever imagine.

Trusting this year will be filled with great joy, hope and peace, even when we walk through the valleys of uncertainties, disappointments, fears and doubts…

…AND that we will trust in the Lord with all of our hearts, even when we don’t understand. 

Happy 2023! 

Tami