Real and Raw
I’m my own worst critic. I always have been. I am the queen of the shoulds and shouldn’ts-which always results in shaming myself. I’ve been battling this for years but this past week I reached my breaking point (eh, breaking point #73 in the last 5 years, but who’s counting?!) I’ve been dealing with never ending physical pain in my body.
I started the summer off working out with a trainer and it was going great for a while. I was feeling strong again- until my body physically starting shutting down. I am convinced that the events of the last 5 years has finally caught up with me, plus my hip surgery I had in December that I have never fully recovered from. I’ve seen physical therapists, massage therapists, muscle activation therapists, I’ve done stretching and more stretching and a little bit of yoga. I started a seeing a chiropractor who last week told me that my body is “an absolute train wreck.” I’m the type who hates when someone hugs me and my back cracks- so you can imagine the anxiety I experience going to the chiropractor. I’ve already apologized to him multiple times for the language that just naturally flies out of my mouth when stuff starts popping.
I don’t know why I decided now would also be a good time to change up some of the medications I’ve been on, but I decided I wanted to try a holistic natural approach and my body has made sure to let me know that ALL of my hormones are working!
I’ve got to the point where I’ve literally had nothing to give to anyone and I’ve had to start admitting that out loud to people in my life. My best friend came to visit me this week and I think I cried for the first hour straight of our visit. I visited my brothers family over the 4th and admitted to my sister in law that I’ve been angry at God and really didn’t care about anything anymore. I’ve apologized to my mom for being sad and short tempered. I’ve admitted to my small group that I’ve been battling depression. I chose to stay home and lay on the couch instead of going to see my best friend from out of state who was in Kentucky for a few days recently. I asked for help for my yard to be mowed because physically I couldn’t do it. I confessed to some of my friends that I know I’m not myself right now. It’s hard to admit that I don’t care, but that’s where I find myself. I know that angry, jealous, apathetic, disconnected, bitter, resentful and unmotivated are not words that describe who I really am at the core- but it’s where I have been for a while and where I currently find myself.
Life is hard and unfair. Physical pain certainly goes hand in hand with our mental health. I’m living proof. And it sucks!
It’s difficult because I feel like I this point, I “should” be better and on my way to a bright and healthy future. It’s exhausting having others ask me how I’m doing and in that moment either decide if I’m gonna fake a smile and say I’m good, or to be honest and really admit how I’m doing. If I smile- I feel like I dismiss my own reality and if I’m honest- I’ll break down and cry. So I sometimes isolate myself to avoid the possibility. I’m hard on myself and I want so desperately to move on and do the things I love to do again. It’s hard because people see me, but have no idea the pain I’m constantly in. I keep it in because I don’t want to be a burden or a bother.
I’m in counseling, I’m seeing medical health professionals, I’m surrounding myself with people who love me and admitting to others and to myself what I need. I am reminding myself that every day I have a choice, but also giving myself permission to ignore the “shoulds” and do what my body really needs me to do.
I never knew this journey would be so difficult. I’ll keep going though. I’ll keep fighting. I’ll keep pushing and believing there’s gotta be a purpose to all of this. Even though right now I don’t care, and I don’t see what it is- deep down in my heart, I do believe there’s a reason. A friend recently reminded me of the quote that says, “it’s always the darkest before the dawn” so I’m gonna hold onto that with expectation that my dawn is coming.
